Day 1: What a load of nonsense this Corona-Virus thing is! it’s just another example of the namby-pamby society we live in today. For goodness sake, a bit of a cough and a sneeze never killed anyone! Get a grip, UK. I’m not giving up my favourite Mexican beer!
Day 2: Seems a lot of people are dying in China. Must monitor the situation…
Day 3: Cripes! Tens of thousands of foreigners have got this damned virus and the death rate is increasing. China building extra hospitals to cope with the crisis and shutting down entire cities. Won’t ever come here, though!
Day 4: President Trump says the whole thing’s a hoax! The voice of sanity at last! Should blow over in a couple of weeks. Stocks and shares prices stable. All’s right with the world.
Day 5: The UK is finally catching up with the rest of the world when it comes to the virus. “The best thing you can do,” the Prime Minister said, “is to wash your hands with soap and hot water while singing Happy Birthday twice.” Well, that’s a relief!
Day 6: The PM announces that if everybody gets the virus, there will be no need for isolation units or travel bans. Good news, then, at last. No need to cancel holiday in Italy this summer.
Day 7: Herd immunity is definitely the answer. Milk prices bound to go up, though.
Day 8: Stock prices go down the toilet! Trump now blames the virus. And China.
Day 35: My wife and I are self-isolating in space station orbiting Earth. The campervan was OK for a few days but we were arrested while attempting to enter the Highlands. What choice did we have? Goodbye, cruel world!
Day 42: The USA is now the epicentre of the crisis. Thousands of people affected and hundreds are dying. Prime Minister Johnson tests positive and self-isolating in Downing Street. No-one knows yet who will run the government but the smart money is on Dominic – Cummings or Raab, what’s the difference?
Day 83: No human activity spotted on planet, according to sensors. Have run out of toilet paper.
Day 89: All extra-vehicular activity cancelled.
Day 99: End of days…