Corona-Virus Diary

Day 1: What a load of nonsense this Corona-Virus thing is! it’s just another example of the namby-pamby society we live in today. For goodness sake, a bit of a cough and a sneeze never killed anyone! Get a grip, UK. I’m not giving up my favourite Mexican beer!

Day 2: Seems a lot of people are dying in China. Must monitor the situation…

Day 3: Cripes! Tens of thousands of foreigners have got this damned virus and the death rate is increasing. China building extra hospitals to cope with the crisis and shutting down entire cities. Won’t ever come here, though!

Day 4: President Trump says the whole thing’s a hoax! The voice of sanity at last! Should blow over in a couple of weeks. Stocks and shares prices stable. All’s right with the world.

Day 5: The UK is finally catching up with the rest of the world when it comes to the virus. “The best thing you can do,” the Prime Minister said, “is to wash your hands with soap and hot water while singing Happy Birthday twice.” Well, that’s a relief!

Day 6: The PM announces that if everybody gets the virus, there will be no need for isolation units or travel bans. Good news, then, at last. No need to cancel holiday in Italy this summer.

Day 7: Herd immunity is definitely the answer. Milk prices bound to go up, though.

Day 8: Stock prices go down the toilet! Trump now blames the virus. And China.

Day 35: My wife and I are self-isolating in space station orbiting Earth. The campervan was OK for a few days but we were arrested while attempting to enter the Highlands. What choice did we have? Goodbye, cruel world!

Day 42: The USA is now the epicentre of the crisis. Thousands of people affected and hundreds are dying. Prime Minister Johnson tests positive and self-isolating in Downing Street. No-one knows yet who will run the government but the smart money is on Dominic – Cummings or Raab, what’s the difference?

Day 83: No human activity spotted on planet, according to sensors. Have run out of toilet paper.

Day 89: All extra-vehicular activity cancelled.

Day 99: End of days…


HS4: New solution for Stromeferry bypass?

Lochcarron is to be a major transport hub for the UK following a major rethink of government policy. HS2 and HS3 will be extended from Leeds to Strathcarron and a new bridge will connect Strome to the Giant’s Causeway in Northern Ireland.

An artist’s impression of the new Strathcarron HS4 Station.

The threat of rockfalls on the A890 Stromeferry bypass will soon be a thing of the past, say Highland Council officials, welcoming today’s announcement. “We have considered several options but following discussions with Dominic Cummings, the Prime Minister has promised to ‘level up’ spending on infrastructure here in the North,” said a spokesperson.

Investment in the new high-speed rail link and bridge is expected to top £300 billion but experts have warned that this figure may treble within the next couple of years, if things go to plan.

Further proposals to expand the airport at Plockton have been described as “totally absurd” by green economists, since this would mean chopping down several more money trees to pay for the project.

Following the recent announcement, house prices on the Isle of Scalpay “went through the roof” for a couple of hours when residents were told that “£300 billion will be invested in HS4.” Prices, however, have stabilised since owners learned that HS4 refers to the new high-speed rail link, not their postcode.


Potholes 500

The controversial North Coast 500 has responded to pressure from angry residents in the Highlands of Scotland by renaming the tourist route Potholes 500 in a bid to deter drivers using the 500-mile circuit for pleasure.

Rescue is at hand for the people who live in the Highlands. (Picture: Davide Luciano/BNPS)

According to the North Coast 500, the route is “one of the world’s most iconic coastal touring routes,” where people can “discover the breath-taking beauty of the North Highlands,” including white sandy beaches, rugged mountains and “a wealth of unforgettable experiences.” But the new name is expected to drive many tourists away, despite the fact it is regarded as more accurate in view of the number of potholes.

“It’s all right for these millionaires in sports cars and tourists in campervans driving around and enjoying our beautiful scenery,” a local spokesman said, “but we have to live here!”

According to the spokesman, since the route was created by “a bunch of clever marketing people,” hundreds of potholes have appeared on the roads because of extra traffic on the route. “So we think the new name will paint the true picture and hopefully allow us to get back to normal,” he continued.

Other local residents have different opinions, however, and believe the route is good for the economy, especially garage repair shops and local hotels. “We will turn the potholes into tourist attractions,” they countered, “for wild swimmers, anglers and divers. And if we are successful, this will also create lots of new jobs for the emergency services and local mechanics.”

For more about the “dark side” of North Coast 500, click here.